Big sister has been getting a lot of the attention lately. And it’s been mostly the bad kind.
The first born is in a tough spot when a family starts to grow. Sophia had all the attention of Mom and Dad for the first 2 and half years of her life. Then, once her twin sisters were born, parenting guilt took a toll on Mom and Dad who began offering special attention her. This took the form of special outings and special meals and special compliments. We explained these things were special because she was the big sister.
I think we made a mistake.
Newborns have real tangible needs. Sleep, feeding, diaper changes. Those are the basics. They are basic but they’re constant. The younger sisters got those things. But we needed to make sure big sister felt that she was also the recipient of care and affection beyond her basic needs because she could see the time required to care for newborns. That time used to be hers alone to claim.
Being the recipient of special care and attention has gotten to her head. And I’ve been trying to correct this. Unfortunately, I’m coming across like an ass some of the time.
Sophia and I are often in conflict. She’s being corrected when I sense Mom’s patience start to dwindle. Or when she’s putting her sisters’ safety and wellbeinging jeopardy. Sophia is demanding and takes hard stances on small issues. She’s overbearing and talks back when a correction is made by an adult. All of my reactions to this makes it look like I’m being critical of her.
She’s beginning to understand that things are not fair.
Sophia’s sisters are getting to the age where they can assert themselves. They’re finding their place in the family and stepping on toes along the way. Sienna is willing to cuddle with you as long as you want. And Leila is becoming the poster child for selflessness, sharing everything that’s asked for. These “babies” can now demand the attention of everyone in the house.
They’re world-class at getting your attention too.
Everything is so damn cute at 21 months old. They’ll dance in specific ways to certain songs. They’ll make animal noises that are slightly confusing but cause you to smile. And they’re twins, so everything is done with an added sprinkle of awww.
Sophia is working hard to hold onto her space in the family. Which is a bit sad to say, because I know she occupies the same space she always has. But now she’s being infringed upon by two little toddlers. She is arguing her case…all the time.
We’re navigating a balance between a small person who is solitary but seeking affirmation. Defiant but desiring to be a participant. I’d bet this is a challenge all parents face. I’d also bet there is no one answer to solve the problem. Let’s be real: can kids even be reasoned with?
If I were to prescribe myself a plan of attack, it’s going to be to offer Sophia more attention. But not the kind she’s been getting. That hasn’t worked so far. In most instances where conflict arises, Sophia is in the presence of her siblings. I think she needs focused attention. The undivided kind where conversation happens freely and distractions are minimized.
This has always been a challenge, though. When the adults are outnumbered we’re often more reactionary than I care to admit. Given how things have been going, I think it’s worth trying a different approach.